Countdown Is On...

I can do it....



...right?

*le sigh*

I'm trying to remember the last time I felt so good about someone. It's been so long since I've had these crazy butterflies swirling in my stomach just seeing a text message or hearing a voice. Really. I'm so surprised. I don't like talking on the phone...anyone who knows me can tell you this. I mean, I have my moments when I'm so incredibly bored that I call someone just to pass the time but it's usually one of my girlfriends or my family members.

I haven't sat on the phone for hours with a guy since I was 15. It's crazy. I actually WANT to be on the phone with him. As soon as we hang up with each other, I just want to call him again. [*giggle*] When we're talking, I never want to get off the phone. Oh man..I'm so pathetic.

I can't wait for him to get here. March seems like so far from now. [I just looked at a countdown clock...approx 57 days.]

Who is this mystery man? He's a 22 y/o Cancer who lives in TX and will be relocating to Fort Lewis at the end of March. [He's in the army.] It's only been a few weeks and he's already got ahold of me. I have to admit, at first I was taking him for granted but at some point I noticed his actions- they spoke VOLUMES of the potential we have.

I feel so crazy..like my feet aren't even touching the floor. *ARGH* And I'm a little apprehensive about this...mostly because I have been involved with several people in the last few months and they've all either ended or just fizzled out so I'm worried that it'll seem like a "rebound". I have to say though, today at work--SEVERAL cute guys came in and were flirting with me. I waited for that familiar urge to flirt back, but it didn't come. I feel focused on him. Kind of like how I felt with Reshard in the beginning, ykwim?

hmm. I supposed we'll see. Like I said, 57 days is a long time to wait...but I'm more than willing because he's more than worth it.

Without Him

Things have been going surprisingly smooth over the last couple of days. I have only shed one tear, which is very shocking for me considering how emotional I tend to get. It sucks not having him around. My mood has been pretty good. I guess it's a good thing I started "letting go" awhile back, ya know?

It all comes at certain times. Like when I get off work, I want to call and hear his voice. I miss hearing him ask what my scenario is for the day. I miss us making plans to see each other. I miss being able to just text him when I ran into a snag with my plans or my day or whatever. I really do miss him.

Yesterday I ran into some of the girls from work at the Olive store. They were going to buy stitching supplies at a fabric store and since I'm on this new creativity kick where I want to stitch and sew and knit and all that jazz, I joined them. I ended up having a blast and only thinking of him in the best light. It's funny how all of my stories involve him. I didn't get sad at all last night with the girls. But this morning, I wanted so much to just call him and see how his weekend is going and talk about my plans for the present I'm buying.

For the most part I am okay. I just miss him. I know that all of this is happening for a reason. I plan to throw myself whole-heartedly into my music and my plans for my future. I'm not looking for love right now. Distractions are welcome, but only if they don't get complicated.

The Morning After...

I've shed one tear for what we were and I'm determined for that to be the only one.

"...i want to cry but my pride is more important. i need to hold it all in...."

I Wonder...

how much is too much?
does the feeling of empowerment last if he doesnt think you've got the upper hand?
do you really if you catch him red-handed and then let him continue to do you wrong?
at which point do you stop being in control and start looking like an idiot?
and also, when do you stop looking stupid and demand respect?
is what's good for the goose really good for the gander or is it not okay to have your cake and eat it too?
is standing up for yourself going back on your promise to be okay with the situation?

Chasing Pavements

I've made up my mind,
Don't need to think it over,
If I'm wrong I am right,
Don't need to look no further,
This ain't lust,
I know this is love but,

If I tell the world,
I'll never say enough,
Cause it was not said to you,
And that's exactly what I need to do,
If I'm in love with you,

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

I'd build myself up,
And fly around in circles,
Waiting as my heart drops,
And my back begins to tingle
Finally could this be it

Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If I knew my place should I leave it there?
Should I give up,
Or should I just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere

[talk about reality.]
*sob*

Reckless.

I feel reckless.
I want to do something dangerous and out of control.
I doubt it'll actually happen though
I'm too chicken.

I'm not exactly sure why hearing what I already know to be true is causing me to tear up and breathe deeply, but it is. I'm tired of feeling this way. Like I'll never be "good enough". Oh no- let THEM tell it, I'm perfect. Far more amazing than anybody else. But don't you think that if that rang true on SOME level, they'd make a move?!

I'm so tired of being the amazing one who is "unattainable", but in reality I'm so right in your face you can't even see me enough to know that all you have to do is grab my hand.

I want you to feel. I want you to miss me and crave me just as I do you. I don't know how to make you do that. I'm so desperate for you to know what I know and experience what I experience for just ONE DAY. Is that so much to ask for? Really?

Dammit! Why couldn't I just stick around in a loveless relationship for a bit longer? At least I would have someone there when I needed them.

I AM....fierce.

I'm actually a bit tired of seeing girls posting half nude pictures of themselves and wondering why no one wants them for more than just sex. C'mon now..REALLY? What EXACTLY do you expect to attract with that? blegh..

I just went to the salon today. I had an appointment to get a touch-up on my relaxer and I just decided to add in a few extensions. I like it. My hair has always been FULL due to it's thickness and just plain ole' having a lot of hair [even though it's short], but with the few tracks she added, it's REALLY full. And I'm LOVIN' it. BIG HAIR IS IN! lol

I think I'm gonna go home and do a mini photoshoot and then come BACK to the coffee shop to edit and upload them to the 'space and the 'book. lol. Sound good?

YEAAAAAA. oh and my aunt isn't coming into town today. *sniff* I'm kinda sad.

this is my personality assessment....from an online dating site.

Self-ConfidenceAs someone with high self-confidence, you feel quite comfortable interacting with other people. Indeed, you find the company of others very stimulating and enjoy meeting new people. Your relaxed demeanor in groups makes people around you comfortable too. Perhaps because you feel comfortable talking about yourself, others tend to enjoy being around you and perceive you as socially competent.The confidence that helps you feel comfortable talking to people also spills into your own personal beliefs about yourself. Although you have several strengths, it’s likely that you also acknowledge and accept your weaknesses. But unlike some people, you take full responsibility for your actions—you rarely regret things you’ve done in the past and are not embarrassed easily. Perhaps the defining feature that sets you apart from most people is the exceptionally high standards that you set for yourself. Your competence in social gatherings as well as at work should provide ample evidence for this. With these characteristics, it’s very likely that people come to you for advice and generally think of you as someone with leader-like qualities.
Family OrientationAs someone who is oriented to familial matters, you value the company of family-members and domestic life. If you have children already, you enjoy spending time with them very much and work hard to be a good parent. If you don’t have children, you very much desire having children in the future. And your preference for cooking and entertaining guests at home will likely ease the transition into parenthood. You take pride in maintaining and cultivating a healthy family and work hard to achieve this. This natural tendency is easily illustrated by your preference for doing things around the house as opposed to going out to clubs and restaurants. What really sets you apart from people that are low in family orientation is that you know how to manage your frustrations and work well on your own. This means that you are well-equipped to manage a family without letting all the work that is involved wear you down. However, as someone with strong family values, all the work that is involved in maintaining a tidy home and well-stocked kitchen might occasionally make it difficult for you to finish everything that you need to do.
Self-ControlThe self-control personality dimension captures the way in which a person regulates and directs him or herself. Being low in self-control can be both good and bad. Occasionally people may be compelled to follow their intuitions and give in to their temptations, and your degree of self-control makes this likely to happen more often than not. This can be good in circumstances where being relaxed and open are important. However, in situations where it is necessary to be focused and careful, you might find that you do or say things that may be inappropriate. As someone who exerts little control over your actions, you may find that you commit social blunders that might offend other people and get yourself in trouble. For example, if you’re given responsibility to work on a project that requires close attention to detail, you may be likely to overlook important details because you have difficulty staying focused. Consequently, you might feel more comfortable delegating such tasks to other people who are more detail oriented. Being able to recognize such characteristics in yourself and having more detail-oriented people do such tasks could be an effective way to manage your own stress level. Low self-control may diminish your effectiveness at work. Acting too relaxed can make it difficult for you to focus on projects that require organized sequences of steps or stages. Thus, your ability to accomplish may be inconsistent. Indeed, it’s possible that you might be criticized periodically for being unreliable or unable to “stay within the lines.” Nonetheless, you may still experience many short-lived pleasures and never be thought of as boring.
OpennessAs someone high in openness, you have a strong appreciation for beauty, both in art and nature. Indeed, it’s likely that you are easily absorbed in music and art, as well as natural phenomena. Another aspect of your openness is your emotional insight; that is, you probably have good access to and awareness of your own emotions. Another aspect of the openness dimension is the tendency to think about abstract concepts and ideas. This thinking style may take the form of artistic and metaphorical use of language, and/or music composition or performance. Thus, it is likely that, either in your work or spare time, you enjoy activities that get your “creative juices” flowing. Your tendency to be open-minded can have advantages and disadvantages. For instance, when there are no clear rules about how to approach a particular problem, your openness makes it easier for you to identify new ways to solve problems that might not be very obvious to people that are not as open as you are. In contrast, you may be bored easily in situations that lack high amounts of intellectual stimulation. In such cases, you might have difficulty excelling on projects that do not provide much stimulation or require much creative thinking.
EasygoingnessEasygoingness refers to one's ability to relax. Based on your score, you appear to work and play hard. The benefits of being moderate in easygoingness are that you achieve success through hard work, but you also know when and how to relax. Your colleagues and friends likely consider you as reliable and fun to be around. Being moderate in easygoingness can cause you some stress, however. For example, you may sometimes find it difficult to complete tasks thoroughly and efficiently, which can cause stress for both you and the people around you. You may occasionally experience stress by working hard to reach your goals, but you value having fun and just relaxing. Knowing how to balance both work and play is a gift, and you have the key ingredients for doing this.You have enough mental flexibility to think creatively and enough focus to implement those ideas well. This might be epitomized by your occasional difficulty focusing on subtle details, but the ease with which you’re able to adjust to changes in your life. As someone who is neither rigid nor careless, you likely get along with most people well. On the one hand, you recognize the value of working hard and therefore consider such qualities in others beneficial. On the other hand, you know how to relax and thus appreciate people that know how to do this too. Chances are your friends and colleagues perceive you as someone that works hard, but also knows how to have a good time.
How does your personality affect your love life?With your strong degree of confidence, it’s no surprise that you get along well with most people. Indeed, it’s self-confidence that allows people to feel comfortable interacting with others without feeling insecure and vulnerable. For this reason, you shouldn’t have much difficulty in romance, at least not initially. Your social skills will likely help relieve any anxiety your romantic partners might have on those first few dates. However, over time, the high standards that you have for yourself could potentially frustrate your partner. Given how much you value family life, you probably get along best with people who share your values and beliefs. In fact, it’s likely that you maintain close connections with members of your immediate and distant family. For this reason, you would probably be most satisfied in a romantic relationship with someone who also values domestic life. Being in a relationship with someone who enjoys going out to parties and staying-up late at night might be fun, at least initially; yet it’s likely that you will find this tiring over time. Thus, it might be easier and more satisfying for you to develop a long-lasting relationship with a person who also enjoys spending time at home and desires starting a family. On first dates, perhaps you might suggest to your partner that the two of you spend a quiet night having dinner at one of your respective homes instead of going out to a restaurant or club. As someone who is more relaxed than most people, you’re likely be attracted to most people. However, your free-spirited nature might make being in a relationship with a person that is more rigid than you difficult because you might perceive the person as being too uptight and controlling. For this reason, you may ultimately be most satisfied in a relationship with someone that is shares your level of self-control. Your openness probably makes it easy for you to respect and appreciate people that are different from you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, your openness might make it difficult for you to tolerate people that cannot appreciate diversity as much as you. Therefore, you may be happiest in serious relationships with people that share your open-mindedness. But, your openness might occasionally cause a certain degree of dependency on your end because you may be so open that you easily adopt the preferences and habits of your partners and gradually relinquish things that make you so unique.

So...we're Dating!

*giggle*

Okay, well it's really no different than any OTHER relationship I've had in the last few months, except for the fact that it was HIM that said it this time..not me trying to attach something where it didn't belong.

He explained that while we still lack the title, we're ARE dating, seeing each other, etc. etc. It makes me happy. HE makes me happy. So what gives, eh? The title thing- it really would be to satisfy my OWN wants and needs. I have everything I want from him so for me to worry about that meager "10%" of a title...stupey!

And when it really comes down to it- that WOULD be a bit stressful right now. I have to say I agree with him wholeheartedly...especially lately. Him not being 100% satisfied with the way things are in his life and adding the "stresses" of a relationship [Don't try to tell me they aren't stressful...anyone who knows a good solid relationship, knows that two completely and totally different ADULT people can't possibly get along all of the time.] would only lead to more drama. And let's be real about it, I'm not ENTIRELY sure I want a boyfriend. [True, I "technically" have one...but not really...] My life is, if anything, unstable right now. It's slowly getting to where I want it to be, but I feel like I'm doing alright without the stress of a boy to take care of.

Buuuuuttttt.....

I can't say I'm not THRILLED to be dating someone. lol

ROFL!!

I just saw this on a friend of mine's FB page. Oh man..

I couldn't read the whole thing so I had to google it...you better believe I found it too.

lol..be prepared to laugh your face off!

*clickety click click*

BAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!