Really?!
Is it even possible for me to experience a happiness that lasts? I mean, really?! Is it honestly that hard of a thing to find? Here's a typical scenario:
Girl meets guy. Girl likes guy. Girl spends time over analyzing and getting her hopes up over guy. Guy does something shady but girl ignores it because she really likes guy. Guy continues to prove he's a douchebag. Girl eventually gets her brains back and moves onto the next douchebag.
Yes, my friends. This is the all-too-true story of yours truly. You'd think I'd have figured out how to weed the douches from the nice guys. Oh wait- THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! All guys are asshats. [So far- ten out of ten will prove that statement to be true.]
I'm hoping in this case, I'm just overreacting due to my ever-lasting state of loneliness. I hope that this is just me being emotional and not me predicting my own fate. I really don't want to be right with this one.
But guys are shady. Point-Blank-Period. No question about it. And the cuter, smarter, and smoother they are, the better they are at fooling gullible Kiranda into thinking it's a good thing.
meh.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Conflicted
I believe I'm at a crossroads once again.
Here's how it goes. When I was living at my "best", I was going to church on a regular basis and tithing regularly. Then I started thinking that I was the one in control and I stopped going to church, opting to spend time with a boy and spend my own money my way. Then things starting going to crap.
Well, I'm building myself back up spiritually. I'm done fighting against God and I want to live right again. So far, so good. The only downside- I work on Sundays at TLG. I love it there, but I feel spiritually disconnected from God. Regular private study and tithing, yes- but I miss church. I miss the weekly dosage of spiritual guidance from one of His appointed souls here on earth. Does that make sense?
My grandmother always used to say that you need to go to the storehouse regularly. She didn't say every Sunday, but on a regular enough basis. With this job, I don't foresee any Sundays in the near future where I'd be able to go to church. And yes, I could always look for another church to attend one of their other services throughout the week, but I've come to appreciate what my church offers. There's a lot of time during service where it's just me and God, me and my Bible. Even while the minister is speaking and/or praying- I am able to put myself aside and just worship and praise God and reflect on my blessings. I love it. I've never experienced that elsewhere.
My confliction comes from having and trusting that faith that, like Matthew 6 says, God will provide and living in the world and being realistic about my financial crisis situation. I have to make money. But do I do that at the expense of my soul?! Yes, it seems a bit dramatic- but that is truly how I feel.
What to do, what to do? Realistically, I will only be working two days at the gym. Making $10 an hour for 16hours. Realistically, I can pick up extra shifts at the coffeeshop and make $18 an hour plus tips [double time when you cover a shift]. And in some cases, people are so desperate for shift coverage they'll throw in an extra $20-$50 to find someone to work it. If I do quit, I save buttloads in gas because I'm not driving an extra 30miles [to and from] and I don't have to pay $10 to park my car when I'm coming from the gym to the store. I can buy a bus pass and ride the most days which saves me from driving and parking.
I feel like I can do it. I just need to buckle down. But I'm worried that I'll be up a creek without a paddle. But I have to trust, right?!
Confliction.
Here's how it goes. When I was living at my "best", I was going to church on a regular basis and tithing regularly. Then I started thinking that I was the one in control and I stopped going to church, opting to spend time with a boy and spend my own money my way. Then things starting going to crap.
Well, I'm building myself back up spiritually. I'm done fighting against God and I want to live right again. So far, so good. The only downside- I work on Sundays at TLG. I love it there, but I feel spiritually disconnected from God. Regular private study and tithing, yes- but I miss church. I miss the weekly dosage of spiritual guidance from one of His appointed souls here on earth. Does that make sense?
My grandmother always used to say that you need to go to the storehouse regularly. She didn't say every Sunday, but on a regular enough basis. With this job, I don't foresee any Sundays in the near future where I'd be able to go to church. And yes, I could always look for another church to attend one of their other services throughout the week, but I've come to appreciate what my church offers. There's a lot of time during service where it's just me and God, me and my Bible. Even while the minister is speaking and/or praying- I am able to put myself aside and just worship and praise God and reflect on my blessings. I love it. I've never experienced that elsewhere.
My confliction comes from having and trusting that faith that, like Matthew 6 says, God will provide and living in the world and being realistic about my financial crisis situation. I have to make money. But do I do that at the expense of my soul?! Yes, it seems a bit dramatic- but that is truly how I feel.
What to do, what to do? Realistically, I will only be working two days at the gym. Making $10 an hour for 16hours. Realistically, I can pick up extra shifts at the coffeeshop and make $18 an hour plus tips [double time when you cover a shift]. And in some cases, people are so desperate for shift coverage they'll throw in an extra $20-$50 to find someone to work it. If I do quit, I save buttloads in gas because I'm not driving an extra 30miles [to and from] and I don't have to pay $10 to park my car when I'm coming from the gym to the store. I can buy a bus pass and ride the most days which saves me from driving and parking.
I feel like I can do it. I just need to buckle down. But I'm worried that I'll be up a creek without a paddle. But I have to trust, right?!
Confliction.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Look At Me and Know He Is God.
For a few weeks now, I've been wanting to feel amorous. It comes sporadically, but I want it to last.
My neck and back are slow aching and my lower abdomen feels like I've done nothng but a rigorous abdominal exercises at the gym [ps. I haven't been in quite some time.] I want to just chill and relax, but alas---I cannot.
I hope I see what I want to see tonight.
In other semi-related news: I picked up my Bible today and opened it. It fell open to this:
Matthew 6: 25-32 (NIV)
If that isn't God speaking loudly and clearly in my life, I don't know what is. Everyone should check out this Youtube video. To watch this video is to know me. That skit could not reflect my life as of the last ten years any better. I feel like I'm constantly going back and forth and I'm sure if I feel it, God is witnessing it.
Also, check out this artist- Ramey Whalen. I saw her video on a myspace page and I've been singing this song over and over!
That's all for now. Tata!
xoXo
My neck and back are slow aching and my lower abdomen feels like I've done nothng but a rigorous abdominal exercises at the gym [ps. I haven't been in quite some time.] I want to just chill and relax, but alas---I cannot.
I hope I see what I want to see tonight.
In other semi-related news: I picked up my Bible today and opened it. It fell open to this:
Matthew 6: 25-32 (NIV)
If that isn't God speaking loudly and clearly in my life, I don't know what is. Everyone should check out this Youtube video. To watch this video is to know me. That skit could not reflect my life as of the last ten years any better. I feel like I'm constantly going back and forth and I'm sure if I feel it, God is witnessing it.
Also, check out this artist- Ramey Whalen. I saw her video on a myspace page and I've been singing this song over and over!
That's all for now. Tata!
xoXo
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
To My Future Love.
never let me go love me much too much
if you let me go life would lose its touch
what would i be without you?
there's no place for me without you
never let me go
i'd be so lost if you went away
there'd be a thousand hours in the day
without you
i know because of one caress my world was overturned
from the very start all my bridges burned by my flaming heart
you'd never leave me would you?
you couldn't hurt me could you?
never let me go.
never let me go.
because of one caress my world was overturned
from the very start
all my bridges burned by my flaming heart
you'd never leave me would you?
you couldn't hurt me could you?
never, never let me go.
never let me go.
if you let me go life would lose its touch
what would i be without you?
there's no place for me without you
never let me go
i'd be so lost if you went away
there'd be a thousand hours in the day
without you
i know because of one caress my world was overturned
from the very start all my bridges burned by my flaming heart
you'd never leave me would you?
you couldn't hurt me could you?
never let me go.
never let me go.
because of one caress my world was overturned
from the very start
all my bridges burned by my flaming heart
you'd never leave me would you?
you couldn't hurt me could you?
never, never let me go.
never let me go.
Singing My Song
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face.
And nobody's gonna bring me down today.
Been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately.
But I decided right here, and now, that my outlook's gonna change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
Everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feelin' like they won't let me live life
Take the time to look at what is mine
I see every blessing so clearly
And I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace from me
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on I'mma keep on singin' my song
I never wanna dwell on the pain again
There's no use in relivin' how I hurt back then
Rememberin' too well the hell I felt when I was runnin' out of faith
Every step I'm 'bout to take moves towards a better day
Cause I'm about to
Say farewell to every single lie
And all the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I couldn't try
All the negativity inside
For too long, I've been strugglin', couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feelin' strong and I'm moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace from me
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
I'mma keep on singin' my song
Every time I tried to be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally,
so I ended up in misery
Was unable to see all the good around me
Wasted so much energy on what they thought of me
Than simply just remembering to breathe
I'm humanly unable to please everyone at the same time
So now I find my peace of mind living one day at a time
In the end I answer to one God
Comes down to one love till I get to heaven above
I have made the decision
Never to give in
Till the I day I die no matter what
Im gonna carry on,
I'mma keep on singin' my song
And nobody's gonna bring me down today.
Been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately.
But I decided right here, and now, that my outlook's gonna change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
Everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feelin' like they won't let me live life
Take the time to look at what is mine
I see every blessing so clearly
And I thank God for what I got from above
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace from me
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on I'mma keep on singin' my song
I never wanna dwell on the pain again
There's no use in relivin' how I hurt back then
Rememberin' too well the hell I felt when I was runnin' out of faith
Every step I'm 'bout to take moves towards a better day
Cause I'm about to
Say farewell to every single lie
And all the fears I've held too long inside
Everytime I felt I couldn't try
All the negativity inside
For too long, I've been strugglin', couldn't go on
But now I've found I'm feelin' strong and I'm moving on
I believe they can take anything from me
But they can't succeed in taking my inner peace from me
They can say all they wanna say about me
But I'm gonna carry on
I'mma keep on singin' my song
Every time I tried to be what they wanted from me
It never came naturally,
so I ended up in misery
Was unable to see all the good around me
Wasted so much energy on what they thought of me
Than simply just remembering to breathe
I'm humanly unable to please everyone at the same time
So now I find my peace of mind living one day at a time
In the end I answer to one God
Comes down to one love till I get to heaven above
I have made the decision
Never to give in
Till the I day I die no matter what
Im gonna carry on,
I'mma keep on singin' my song
Monday, November 3, 2008
Blah-De-Blah-ness Of It All.
Time for the not-so-drunk account.
The last post was a pretty intoxicated one, so I apologize if it made little to no sense to anyone. lol. To sum it up nicely- I had a nice time. He was a perfect gentleman, something I'm not used to these days. [For recent info on my lack-of-a-love life, read back a few posts.] We had good conversation and a lot of laughs. I learned a lot about him and became more intrigued as the night went along. Would I like to spend more time with him, of course.
And that is all I'm going to say about it.
Today is gab-fest, gorge-fest with Maggie-Mae. Time to hit Rom Mai and get our grub on, ykwim? WOO. LOVIN IT! I'm excited. Then I get to go to TLG and train in the Grade School classes. I'm not going to teach GS, but they want me trained in it so...hmm. *shrugs* I'm just going along with it. Who am I to turn down a few more hours of pay, right?
In other news, my voice is still on the rocks. Quite literally. And let's be real about it- I'm not really doing anything about it which isn't the smartest thing, but... *shrugs* hey- it's what I'm doing. It gives me an excuse to be quiet. And we ALL know that doesn't happen often. I'm starting to build up excitement for these gigs coming up. I can't wait to get back and do my own thing. I need to hurry up and get my songs recorded so I can ship the music off to the drummer and my backup vocalists...eeek. This is really going down, isn't it?
OH LAWD.
Well, I'm gonna end it here. It's about that time..you know...FOOD time. And we never come between a girl and her food. lol.
peezz.
The last post was a pretty intoxicated one, so I apologize if it made little to no sense to anyone. lol. To sum it up nicely- I had a nice time. He was a perfect gentleman, something I'm not used to these days. [For recent info on my lack-of-a-love life, read back a few posts.] We had good conversation and a lot of laughs. I learned a lot about him and became more intrigued as the night went along. Would I like to spend more time with him, of course.
And that is all I'm going to say about it.
Today is gab-fest, gorge-fest with Maggie-Mae. Time to hit Rom Mai and get our grub on, ykwim? WOO. LOVIN IT! I'm excited. Then I get to go to TLG and train in the Grade School classes. I'm not going to teach GS, but they want me trained in it so...hmm. *shrugs* I'm just going along with it. Who am I to turn down a few more hours of pay, right?
In other news, my voice is still on the rocks. Quite literally. And let's be real about it- I'm not really doing anything about it which isn't the smartest thing, but... *shrugs* hey- it's what I'm doing. It gives me an excuse to be quiet. And we ALL know that doesn't happen often. I'm starting to build up excitement for these gigs coming up. I can't wait to get back and do my own thing. I need to hurry up and get my songs recorded so I can ship the music off to the drummer and my backup vocalists...eeek. This is really going down, isn't it?
OH LAWD.
Well, I'm gonna end it here. It's about that time..you know...FOOD time. And we never come between a girl and her food. lol.
peezz.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
That First Kiss.
I like kisses in the rain.
If there's any way to get straight to my heart strings and give them a nice yank...it's kissing in the rain.
Truth be told, I've never actually kissed in the rain. Well, not consciously anyway. Always a quick "hello" or "goodbye" or "I'll miss you." It's never been intentional, you know. Just something you do because it's ALWAYS raining in solemn Seattle. For the first time, this was intentional. It was something we did because we could.
Long story made a bit complicated- I had what you call a "first date" [Assuming he's intrigued enough to call back for a second, third, etc.] The lucky guy?! A customer from Online, he shall remain nameless due to prying eyes. [GO AWAY ALREADY!] What's the backstory?
I know, I haven't blogged about him yet. WEIRD?!?!?!?! I want to tread carefully here. For the first time in a long time, my attraction isn't strictly sexual. In fact, my first thought when I saw him was that he was incredibly gorgeous and very intriguing. I wanted to get to know HIM, not what he would be like in bed. [Don't get me wrong, I am VERY curious...but, yea...you know what I mean]. And I was intimidated.
Anyone that knows me, knows that the male "species" doesn't scare me one bit. I can definitely hold my own with a man. I don't worry or stress and I just go with the flow. I can tell within five minutes of our first conversation/interaction where it's going to go; and more often than not- it's to the bedroom. But this one- he's different. I was very intimidated when he ordered a beer and set up shop directly across from where I was doing my knitting. He's an intellectual. He's intelligent, worldly- above the mundane games that I know could hook-line-and sink 'em. He's a new kind of guy for me. He's an untouchable. I can't bat my eyelashes and do my trademark "strut" to get his attention. So what do I do?!
I grab The Great Gatsby and start reading.
lol. Really, it's one of my favorite books. I haven't read it since high school, but I figured if he saw me reading it, he might be as intrigued as I was. Needless to say, my plan didn't work.
Cutting through all the blah de blah-ness of it all...numbers were finally exchanged. A date was agreed upon. I had a wonderful time. He is truly entertaining and everything I thought he was. I have to admit, my friends and family got an earful in the last couple of days because I was so freakishly nervous. I was worried that I'd have to be someone else, that I'd have to pretend to be pretentious and nerdy, that I'd be too shallow for him to even consider being interested in me. And unless my radar is completely and totally off- I was wrong. He seemed to genuinely like ME.
WHOA. HOLD THE PHONE. WHA?! SERIOUSLY...NO WAY....GET OUTTA HERE!!!
I know, someone actually liking me for ME and not what I could do for them?! hmm..sounds a bit weird and unheard of. lol...
All in all..I had a great time. I felt so comfortable in my own shoes. You wouldn't have guessed it was our first time meeting outside of him studying and my working [unless you count the fact that our convo was mostly "getting to know you"] I felt really at ease the entire time. He definitely knows how to make a woman feel good. And I'm even more intrigued. I want to know him more. I want to know what makes him tick, what he's like when he's stressed-angry-happy-relaxed-content, what he does at the beginning and end of each day, those little habits and traits that are all his own....I want to know him. I want to see how "crazy" his family is and see if and how it mirrors my own crazy family. He's definitely someone worth spending time with. And whether it goes somewhere or not [let's be completely honest- I want it to go somewhere], I can see him being one of my good friends. We both enjoy similar things and I know we can both teach each other something new and unfamiliar.
The kiss....felt good. Really good. Familiar in a weird sort of way. Kind of like coming home. You know when you feel that all is right with the universe. Is that weird or creepy?! I don't really know. I think the booze is talking now.
Hmm. Yea.. I had a great night. We shall see where this goes...
If there's any way to get straight to my heart strings and give them a nice yank...it's kissing in the rain.
Truth be told, I've never actually kissed in the rain. Well, not consciously anyway. Always a quick "hello" or "goodbye" or "I'll miss you." It's never been intentional, you know. Just something you do because it's ALWAYS raining in solemn Seattle. For the first time, this was intentional. It was something we did because we could.
Long story made a bit complicated- I had what you call a "first date" [Assuming he's intrigued enough to call back for a second, third, etc.] The lucky guy?! A customer from Online, he shall remain nameless due to prying eyes. [GO AWAY ALREADY!] What's the backstory?
I know, I haven't blogged about him yet. WEIRD?!?!?!?! I want to tread carefully here. For the first time in a long time, my attraction isn't strictly sexual. In fact, my first thought when I saw him was that he was incredibly gorgeous and very intriguing. I wanted to get to know HIM, not what he would be like in bed. [Don't get me wrong, I am VERY curious...but, yea...you know what I mean]. And I was intimidated.
Anyone that knows me, knows that the male "species" doesn't scare me one bit. I can definitely hold my own with a man. I don't worry or stress and I just go with the flow. I can tell within five minutes of our first conversation/interaction where it's going to go; and more often than not- it's to the bedroom. But this one- he's different. I was very intimidated when he ordered a beer and set up shop directly across from where I was doing my knitting. He's an intellectual. He's intelligent, worldly- above the mundane games that I know could hook-line-and sink 'em. He's a new kind of guy for me. He's an untouchable. I can't bat my eyelashes and do my trademark "strut" to get his attention. So what do I do?!
I grab The Great Gatsby and start reading.
lol. Really, it's one of my favorite books. I haven't read it since high school, but I figured if he saw me reading it, he might be as intrigued as I was. Needless to say, my plan didn't work.
Cutting through all the blah de blah-ness of it all...numbers were finally exchanged. A date was agreed upon. I had a wonderful time. He is truly entertaining and everything I thought he was. I have to admit, my friends and family got an earful in the last couple of days because I was so freakishly nervous. I was worried that I'd have to be someone else, that I'd have to pretend to be pretentious and nerdy, that I'd be too shallow for him to even consider being interested in me. And unless my radar is completely and totally off- I was wrong. He seemed to genuinely like ME.
WHOA. HOLD THE PHONE. WHA?! SERIOUSLY...NO WAY....GET OUTTA HERE!!!
I know, someone actually liking me for ME and not what I could do for them?! hmm..sounds a bit weird and unheard of. lol...
All in all..I had a great time. I felt so comfortable in my own shoes. You wouldn't have guessed it was our first time meeting outside of him studying and my working [unless you count the fact that our convo was mostly "getting to know you"] I felt really at ease the entire time. He definitely knows how to make a woman feel good. And I'm even more intrigued. I want to know him more. I want to know what makes him tick, what he's like when he's stressed-angry-happy-relaxed-content, what he does at the beginning and end of each day, those little habits and traits that are all his own....I want to know him. I want to see how "crazy" his family is and see if and how it mirrors my own crazy family. He's definitely someone worth spending time with. And whether it goes somewhere or not [let's be completely honest- I want it to go somewhere], I can see him being one of my good friends. We both enjoy similar things and I know we can both teach each other something new and unfamiliar.
The kiss....felt good. Really good. Familiar in a weird sort of way. Kind of like coming home. You know when you feel that all is right with the universe. Is that weird or creepy?! I don't really know. I think the booze is talking now.
Hmm. Yea.. I had a great night. We shall see where this goes...
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